Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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