Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
everyone is single if you try hard enough
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
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