I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
