I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I touched a dick in church today
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
