I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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