How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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