What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
He called his prostate his "boner button".
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
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