So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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