I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
