Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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