this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Randomize
