I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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