Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
