When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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