If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
