i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
He better not be in your backpack
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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