plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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