I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Randomize
