Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
