so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
