took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize