I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize