he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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