I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
