im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Randomize
