Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
