i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize
