My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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