I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
Randomize
