ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Randomize
