He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
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