Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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