I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Randomize
