Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
