if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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