I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
