i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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