he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize