Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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