Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Randomize
