I'm sorry my penis didn't work
glad you had fun, i did too. am rubbing aloe on my butt now.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
