She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
