I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?
Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
