we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Randomize
