I'm going to jail i love you
if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
