I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
