Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
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