So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
