i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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