i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
