Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
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