Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Randomize