I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
