Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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