Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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