I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
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