i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
You pole danced in your parka.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Randomize
