Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
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