I sk at the spereo and my dad gave me and all access pass
what???
AN ALL ACCESS PASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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