Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
