just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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