Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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