Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
