i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
