also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Houston, we have a blender
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Randomize
