I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
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