I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
