I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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