Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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