Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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