i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
